Have you ever had the thought that God is trying to tell you something? Not really like a small voice in your head, or even a nudge from your conscience, although I've had both. More like, several people say something, or point something out to you within a short amount of time. In the past 2 weeks, I've had several friends pass on information written by THEIR friends about Kairos time. I'd probably heard of it before, but not that I remember, so I was blown away when I first read an article written by a minister about looking back and taking stock of the Kairos times in the past year. I LOVED the thought of God Time, time that does not really match up with human time.
I've always been fascinated by the thought that one year can be a second to God, and one second can be a year. It gives me the same sort of painful-breathtaking feeling as when I try to imagine eternity. My human brain is so limited by the thought that time is ordered, specific, and always has an end. It all comes down to faith sometimes. I believe in God, therefore I believe in eternity and God's awesome sense of time, even if I am somewhat unable to fully comprehend either of those concepts.
Now, before I talk about MY Kairos times, I wanted to talk about my guily-times. I was actually thinking about this before I read the Kairos thing, and it is funny how they both seemed to flow right together and give me an "a-ha!" moment.
First, I have to confess that I stew over guilt. Often. There are moments in my parenting past that make me wonder if I was really 12 when I had my first child. My choices seemed literally that dumb. Case in point: after being hospitalized for a bad stomach virus and dehydration, we were told to pick something for our 2 year old to eat before going home. For the first time in over 6 days, she was feeling a little hungry, so we chose a hot dog. A hot dog, people! Oh yeah, now that is part of the BRAT diet....right? Nope. Poor girl felt awful, and to this day I berate myself for it.
Last night I was thinking about that particular story as I lay in bed. Both kids were sleeping, and rather than read, or sleep, or choose some other relaxing behavior that might benefit myself, I stewed. I ended up bursting in upon my poor, tired husband, who was relaxing with a book in the other room, and stormed at him. "WHO!?! WHO, I ask you, who in their RIGHT MIND, would let their child go without food or water for 6 days, and NOT take them into the doctor!?! Why did I do that....what was I thinking?!? The innocent babe ended up with seizures because her mother was a flaming idiot!!!" Sigh. The poor guy didn't know what hit him. He does not seem to be overburdened with guilt, and he reminded me of the amazing, God-sent blessing that resulted from our daughter's seizures. (I'll go back to that later.)
The point is, I was choosing to go back to a time frame over 4 years ago, and I was really going to punish myself for it! There are many times that I have willingly allowed myself to re-think, analyze, and berate myself for past mistakes, perceived or real. I have gone to God and begged His forgiveness over and over. I am sure He feels exasperated at having to re-hash my failures again and again. Or maybe not....I know He forgets our faults after He forgives us. Maybe it is a kind of Holy Alzheimer's thing, and He gets confused about what we are talking about. ;) OK, I'm being a little silly there, but either way, God knows that it is unhealthy for me, and I know it too.
My guilt is something that I continually tell myself that I should work on. I'm not sure I actually have worked on it yet....like a bad habit, I come back to it and it can be soothing in a painful sort of way.
~I feel guilty for not enjoying Candyland- I hate getting stuck in that stupid game, and dont even get me started on Chutes and Ladders!
~I feel guilty that I looove a clean house, and that sometimes I set my kids aside to get it clean before I feel like I can move on and 'enjoy' the day more- someday I will be a little old lady and feel so sad that I did not take those moments with my kids, right?
~And I have bigger feel-guilties, like not being at the hospital for my daughter's first MRI, (I left to take a shower- seriously?!?), or watching as doctors strapped my 27 day old son to a table and tried to draw blood, for more than an hour.
I look back and ask myself why, get angry with myself, and come up with other options that make me look, and feel, like a better mom.
Part of my brain feels like perfection will be reached if I just understand my past mistakes enough to avoid them altogether in the future. Of course, the other part of my brain is telling me that perfection is unattainable and I might as well get on with life and enjoy it. You'd think listening to the rational part of your brain would be easiest, but no, it is not.
Regardless, this must be something God has decided I need to face up to, because I have been given multiple opportunities to look at, and understand what Kairos might mean to a Mom, and I'm putting together the pieces of how it might help me overcome my guilt.
So, over a week ago, I read that article written by the minister, and took stock of the Kairos moments in our past year. To my mind, that meant the ones that stood out, moments that we really felt God's presence, strengthening hand, and guidance. That included Luke's surgery, the birth of our baby boy, a new house. Aside from Damek being born, there was not much that I would classify as "take your breath away" moments, but we had certainly felt God's presence and that was wonderful to look back on.
There must be something more to this Kairos thing, though. This morning, just a few hours after my painful re-visitation of my daughter's past, I read a blog entry about Kairos written by a fellow Mom. She spoke about all the really hard parts of being a mom; the frustrations, irritations, and times that it can be almost impossible to like your own children.
I know these times. And, guess what? I guilt myself over these times!!! I get frustrated with Bria when I can see that she is not striving to her full potential, and I speak to her in a way that none of us would want to hear coming from a "teacher" to a "student". (Even though we chose for her to be homeschooled because it was in HER best interests.) I snap at my husband because he is better at taking time for himself, (and chooses not to be a martyr like me), even though he is the one person I long to see every single day. I get angry with my innocent, sweet baby when he wakes up 6 times a night, even though I know he adores me, loves to snuggle, and yes, will one day grow up and never snuggle with me again! (Well, at 3 a.m anyways...) *sob*
I KNOW ALL THOSE THINGS! And yet....I still get irritated. I still speak harsh words. I still curse under my breath and think selfishly, only of myself. And later, I allow myself to stew and wallow in the memories of my idiocy, my sins, my shortcomings.
Of course, no one should walk around convinced of their own perfection all the time. I know that it is better for me to see my shortcomings so that I can pray for wisdom and assistance, and hopefully change my behavior. But, my guilt needs to be put in it's place. I need to learn how to assess, ask for forgiveness from God and myself, and move on. Goodness only knows what I am missing when I allow myself to be dragged down into self pity and anger!
The Mommy-Kairos blog went on to explain that, even in the most frustrating, horrible days with small children, there are tiny, take-your-breath-away moments that, ultimately, make it all worth it.
I know these times, too. Like yesterday, not knowing whether to laugh or cry as my daughter lost her other front tooth. She looks, (and speaks) so cute, and grown up, and I'm so proud to see how grown up she is becoming, while acutely remembering her little bald head, and those adorable teeth when they first poked through and changed her gummy grin forever. Or waking up to find my feet decorated with paper doll supplies, and marveling at her creativity and infectious giggle when she showed me her 'creation'. That laugh, those teeth, her presence....I know how precious they really are, and how fleeting.
Or when my husband comes home, and, knowing that I'm sick, puts on antics that make me laugh. I always tell him that laughter is my best medicine, and he chose to come straight home, to me, and make me laugh and feel comforted, above anything else. How could I let myself forget that he is the best friend I've ever been given, and the most special partner who walks this hard road with me?
And then, not being able to eat/clean/shower/ you name it, because the little cherub I'm holding would much rather be in my arms than anywhere else. He would rather gaze deeply into my eyes and share a smile over the marvelous fact that he and I are linked together, baby and Mamma, and can find more joy in the mere presence of the others' smile than in any material possession on earth. What are dishes and laundry compared to this life-changing epiphany?
Of course, there are dishes, and laundry, and schoolwork, diapers, messes, cooking, driving, pets, life. Even with my many plans for more patience, more peace, more joy, I have come to realize that life cannot be avoided. Sure, it might be nice to skip the dishes this afternoon, but it would not be conducive to peace if I stopped doing them forever. Yes, it is fun to play in the laundry rather than do it, but not ever doing the laundry means my family will go naked. Not too nice in this weather.
And, of course, I will continue to make mistakes. I will look back on my behavior and ask myself why, or get angry with myself. My life, my mistakes, the craziness, the human-ness, it will all continue.
So what happens next? How do I connect the dots between my guilt overrunning my life, and this whole "Kairos" idea that keeps popping up in front of me? Despite the long entry above this sentence, the answer came to me easily, and it IS easy. And short.
Spend time remembering the Kairos moments. Not the guilt. I have a sneaking suspicion that, once I focus my attention more on those breathtaking moments and less on the irritating/hard/bad moments, the Kairos moments will show themselves to me even more. After all, we are receptive to the things we choose to be receptive to.
So, I will choose to let go of my guilt, (or try, as I'm only beginning). I will try to keep my eyes out for, and catch, all those little God-sent, God-given moments that are fleeting and few.
Oh, I did not forget about the aforementioned story, and how God had really worked through what I had seen as a horrible mistake on my part. In fact, as a good start to my new plan, I went back to some of my guilty memories and searched for the ways that God had been there, molding our story, changing us for the better, and leading us down the road the HE has mapped out for us.
~Bria's seizures led to the first MRI, which showed the doctors a dangerous, potentially fatal brain malformation. Not only would we not have otherwise found it, but she was later to have a surgery that "fixed" her brain so that she can now live like any other 6 year old.
~Damek's blood-draw, which was horrible for both of us, did indeed prove that his blood count was normal and that further tests did not need to be done. In addition, I learned to never blindly trust a doctor and to always go with my instinct, even though I am not a medical professional.
~And of course, all those little, in-between moments of frustration are growing me into the woman God intends me to be. My patience and peace are WAY beyond what they once were! I play now more than I ever used to! I laugh at myself! And I continue to find new ways of growing, looking at my life, seeking and gaining wisdom in all that I do.
I think know, that as I seek out the Kairos, and let God work through my imperfections and mistakes, I will be able to enjoy my blessed, human existence here, and additionally prepare for the greater time in Eternity with Him.
After all, as it says in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."