As a home schooling Momma, I am still learning that about 97% of my day is not really my own. As an introvert, that is utterly overwhelming. So, when I do get a spare few minutes, or maybe an hour, to myself, I either fall asleep or do some serious devotion-time, which I can't seem to get enough of right now. My hunger for God is intense right now, and the more I read and pray, the more I want to.
My entire self, soul, mind, body, and emotions, have been through the ringer for 6+ years, and I think I reached melting point and just need serious....SOMETHING. Like, rest. And relaxation. And deep breathing. Favorite movies. Laughing. Soaking up the sunshine.
Sometimes getting a miracle, after many years of a hefty combination of fear and praying, can be just too intense. Being wound up tight in a lifestyle of a "sick" child takes a while to release from. (I use the term sick loosely. I am very aware of so many Mommies out there with kids who have life-or-death illnesses, or lifelong struggles. I am so thankful that Bria's condition, although sometimes life-threatening, was not nearly as hard as some children's struggles.) I can't claim to know what it is like to have a child with cancer, or a permanent disability.
All I have is my story, and quite frankly, sometimes I wonder if my story could be worth anything to anyone else. I daily remind myself that God can make something beautiful out of anything. If he can take my brokenness and tun it into a word that speaks beauty, hope, or peace into someone else's life, then I owe it to Him to tell this story. After all, He is the author.
And honestly, I am a broken human being. My body is exhausted. My emotions are exhausted. My soul is hungry, tired, and in desperate need of replenishing. My mom put it best when she explained to me that, for the past 6 years, I had set myself up as a shield for my daughter. I had done everything within my power to protect her from illness, pain, or suffering, and when she did suffer, (which was inevitable), I gave as much of myself as I had to make sure she was as OK as I could make her. What mother would do otherwise? The only problem with that attitude is that I set myself up to be Bria's protector, and didn't always place my trust in God to do that, and do it better, than myself. (I am not suggesting neglectful parenting, but if you have a relationship with God and also have children, you will understand what I mean about releasing them into God's care...and the daily struggle that ensues between Mommy-brain and listening to God's voice.) My biggest mistake in the past 6 years did not have to do with the care I gave my daghter, but the lack of care I gave to myself. I did not choose to heal myself from the fear, pain, and stress I was under. I cannot feel guilty for caring for my daughter with every fiber of my being, but I do have regrets about the way I allowed life to hurt my own self.
I am having to work hard at replenishing right now. Every. Single. Day. I have to-do lists that look ridiculous. They have "chores" like: watch clouds. Or, laugh at cat videos with hubby. Or, sing old hymns....really loudly. Or, craft something. (For those friends of mine who get homemade bread, or some small crafted item, thank you. I need the healing that comes from creating, and I badly need the chance to take the love God is pouring into me and pour it on others. It is a necessary side-effect, so I am inexpressibly thankful for friends who "need", as it gives me the much needed opportunity to "give".)
I also do a kid's yoga video, because it is relaxing and super easy...and I don't really like yoga. I breathe in calm and breathe out smiles. I am actually laughing right now
People, let me tell you, it takes a certain amount of gumption to relax! If you have kids, I don't even need to explain that to you.
So, after weeeeeeeeks of trying to figure out how to blog this story, I decided to break it up into pieces. My poor brain can't handle the effort, and I can't imagine any of my friends have more than a few minutes to read their iPhones on the potty, (while their children scream outside the bathroom door, mind you). I am not even going to bother myself about getting it all down into one blog. This blog is an explanation of why I'm not explaining her story, and look how long it is!
So as I blog about our 6 year journey, I will tell a little bit about what happened to Bria, and to us. Mostly though, I have lots more to tell about what God did. He did some serious rearranging in our lives, and within us. It is so awe-inspiring that I can hardly stand thinking about it for too long at any point. So...thats exciting. :)
(For those out there who will be irritated by my lack-of-information in this post, I am going to add a few bullet points down here:
- Bria's appointment went wonderfully. She was scared of the MRI, but she showed major bravery and did her first, (and quite possibly last), un-medicated MRI. After over 12 MRI's in her 8 years, this was a big deal, and we were so happy that she did not have to deal with the effects of anesthesia.
- The neurosurgeon is so impressed with the way her brain and spinal column look. He was so excited to tell us that he doesn't want to see her again, and that she can live for the next 100 years without a hitch.
But that's God for you. He doesn't give a poof about common sense, logic, or medical proof. He prefers life done His way, and to be honest, I prefer His way too. ;)