What we have going on here this morning:
- 50 gazillion pacifiers, only 2 that work for sleeping, apparently. None of the good ones found when it is time for sleeping.
- Exhausted baby refusing to sleep.
- Exhausted Mommy, refusing to be a pacifier. Trying to accept the fact that, if he is EVER going to grow up and go to sleep on his own, he may have to "cry it out" a little.
- Sitting by the crib, quietly reassuring, wondering if this will EVER work. Remembering that it did not work last night, which is why we are so exhausted in the first place.
- Crawling around in the dark room, trying to ignore the sound of the "hurt" cries and searching, fruitlessly, for the missing paci.
- Trying to swallow the guilt of listening to him cry, even though I am right here with him. I do not want to be a "cry it out" Mommy. Never have. Never will.
- Then again, none of us are getting any sleep. Never have. And, never will, if he cannot figure out how to put himself to sleep.
The rest of the house, and life, still goes on
- Little Miss has schoolwork
- And a messy room
- 5 loads of laundry await
- Shopping needs to be done
- Packing and planning for the next weekend trip
- Not looking like a crazy sweatpants lady when the hubby comes home for lunch
- Actually having something prepared for lunch
- (And not even able to THINK about what to prepare for dinner)
And in my mind,
- Why do we have such high-strung, non-sleeping kids?!? I like sleep. Darling Hubby likes sleep. (To a point that is slightly ridiculous.)
- Is it something I did during pregnancy? I tried to be calm, mellow, upbeat.
- Who doesn't like sleep, anyway?! I'll tell you who.... my children!
- Struggling with guilt: for letting one cry, not giving attention to the other, not taking them outside to enjoy the day, speaking harshly to the non-sleeping baby, (a baby! Who speaks harshly to a baby?!? I'll tell you who.....)
- Then struggling with guilt again; for not being more grateful, upbeat, thankful, smiling, gentle. For letting my husband see me lose it at 3 in the morning. For hoping with fingers crossed that we don't get pregnant again. (That one is horrible with a capitol H as far as I'm concerned.) For not getting up early to spend time in prayer and the Word, knowing that I probably would be more kind, gentle, loving if I had.
And amidst all this feeling guilty, and lost, and overwhelmed
- Remembering the bigger picture
- His love
- His all encompassing MERCY.
- Mercy for me. In my ugly, unbeautiful, angry, sinful form.
- His promise. I don't need to wait for a new day to start over.
- I can start over now.
Right now....