Fear

It creeps into my days. 

It turns my thoughts from the moment.

It makes me bite my lips, or get a headache, or tummy ache.

Fear about the future.

Or the unknown.

Or the nameless, yet-to-be illnesses that might strike my family.

Fear about my children.

Their physical well-being.

Their mental happiness.

Their passage to adulthood.

My fear is my constant struggle, my downfall.

It robs me of the joys of today.

It takes away my opportunity to praise God.

To thank Him.

But most of all, it takes away my chance to TRUST Him.

To free-fall into the day.

Just KNOWING that He has a plan.

A Mighty-Good-Awesome-Amazing-Refreshing-Challenging Plan.

So far, letting go of my fear has been more pain than pleasure.

It stinks.

It is my crutch, my excuse, my well-thought out reasoning.

It builds my lists, my plans, my midnight musings.

In an odd way, it makes me feel some sort of security.

As if worrying, planning out the possible future disaster prepares me in some way.

As if, maybe, just maybe, thinking about it first will lessen the blow.

Or remove the possibility altogether.

Of course, I know better than this.

There is only one thing that will ever get me through the hard times.

Or give me strength when mine has failed.

Or bring me peace when I have none.

God.

He is IT.

He is ALL.

He is better than my fear, my worry.

So I am going to start today, and hopefully many days after this, with Him.

Letting my fears go. 

Feeling like I am going to fall into a deep abyss of.... nothing.....

Not knowing.

Not always understanding.

And trying, always, to be ok with that.