Bria's Story, Part Two

This part of Bria's story is the shortest, even though, strangely

enough, it took the longest time to unfold. There is a simple and honest

moral to this part of the story, and I hope with so much of my heart

that it can be helpful to someone out there.

Someone who is in the middle of some sort of storm.

Who might be learning, for the first time, that she, or he, has limitations.

That mistakes are inevitable.

That the face looking back at them from the mirror is not what they hoped to see.

From the time that Bria had her first seizures at the age of two, until a

year ago when we were told that she was completely healed and recovered,

we lived through something of a rollercoaster.

Of course, there were normal, everyday moments. Lots of special memories

made. We moved a few times. We made friends, went to parks, rode our

bikes, and I did all those "mom" things like endless laundry and

cleaning.

But there were also times that, over a span

of so many years, began to chip away at me. My former sense of

invulnerability and confidence. Even my ability to cling to God and His

peace was compromised, many times.

There were hospitalizations, illnesses, doctors appointments, questions that went

unanswered. There were symptoms that were heartbreaking for us to watch,

all the more because we didn't always have answers or solutions.

I have since learned that there is nothing that will bring you to your

knees and leave you hopeless and heartbroken more than a suffering

child. Your child, who you have responsibility for, and yet can do

nothing to help.

For those moms out there who are going through that, I see you. I can spot you out in public. I can read

between the lines of your Facebook posts. I can see the confusion and

loss in your eyes as you try to find your footing in a world that you

have no control over. I recognize the strain weighing on your shoulders,

and oh, my heart goes out to you! I wish I had the right blanket, the

right cup of coffee, the right words to give you to ease your hurting

heart!

If I had been given the magic words to get myself through those days, here is where I would insert them.

But there WAS no magic word.

Oh, there were many lights that eased the burden. There were lifelines thrown when I was drowning.

Friends who did not have the right words, but were able to give me a look of

understanding to let me know that they hurt for my hurt. A gift from a

stranger to remind me that others had traveled this road before me. A

friend who traveled miles and miles just to sit by my side during a

long, hard wait. There were hundreds of little lights at the end of my

tunnel, and, funnily enough, those are the times I remember with the

most clarity.

 Those times of deepest despair and 

worry, when God sent some word, some image, some person, to shine light

on me. Those memories are some of the dearest I hold to my heart. As

time passes, I forget more and more of the hard, the scary, and the sad,

because I have the beautiful, the sweet, the poignant to remember.

Now, to get to the moral of this "middle part" of the story. During the

long, hard, scary parts of your life, you will find in yourself a

not-so-pretty person.

We all have weaknesses.

Maybe you are impatient.

Or envious.

Or judgemental.

Or competitive.

Or restless.

Or maybe you have a temper.

There are any number of weaknesses out there, and we all have something.

Me? I am competitive. And sometimes judgmental. Sometimes, ok,  most of the time,

I think I have all the right answers. I think I could run everyone's

lives, and do it right. Sometimes I look at others, and want what they

have. Whether they seem to have it all together, or have more money,

more vacations, bigger houses...something that seems to make their lives run smoother and better than mine.

I wish I could tell you that, as long as you fight hard and work at it

long enough, you won't fall into the pothole of your own weakness.

But, simply put, that is not true.

You will. If not today, not this year, not in the next 5 years... someday.

You

will find yourself weighed down by the world. By some of the things I

mentioned above. You will find that you have changed, and that your

struggles may have warped you without your knowledge.

There will come a day when you look in the mirror and possibly be shocked, or

saddened, or dissapointed in who you see. It won't be what you had

meticulously planned when you imagined being a wife, or a mother, or a

Christian.

You will disappoint yourself. You might let your children down. Or hurt your husband. Or damage a friendship.

I have done those things. All of them. And let me tell you, I had built a

strong wall of denial around myself, so when it came crashing down, it

was utterly defeating.

I had convinced myself that I was much stronger, wiser, and better equipped than other women. I had it together folks. I had God, I had a good family, I had supportive friends, and I had all the answers. Why would I fail? How could I mess up with all that self-assurance?

Well, I did. And it stunk, plain and simple. A big, stinky 6 months of a big

mess that I had to clean up. I had one close friend who got into that

mess with me, got her shovel out, and prayed me right up and out of the

worst few months of my life. I had a husband who gave me more mercy and

fogiveness than I deserved.

It was only through the grace of God and others that I was able to pick myself up and begin again.

So what is the message here? In hindsight, can I say that I could avoid

making the same mistake? Sure, maybe that mistake. But lets be honest,

there would have been something else. As much as I wanted to believe

that I was impervious to messing up, I am not. I can smugly look at

others and think, "Not me!". But it could be me. It could be any of us, and sometimes, it will be.

So the lesson is this:

1.) It could happen to you. Don't judge others. Extend them kindness/

mercy/ forgiveness. Sure, people can make ugly mistakes and stupid

choices. And so will you.

2.) You have not gone too

far. Not for God. If His Grace is for others, His grace is for YOU too.

He knew you would make this mistake before you did, and He still loved

you anyways.

3.) Treat yourself like you would a

friend. You'd forgive her, love her, support her, because she is your

friend. Well, YOU should be your friend too. After all, you are the one

who has to live with yourself at the end of the day. So give yourself a

smile, a pat on the back, a quiet break with a favorite coffee.

4.) Allow yourself to move on. That was then. This is now. And thank

goodness you are growing and changing, and you are not the same person

you were yesterday!

5.) Tell others your story. Yeah,

it doesn't make for a beautiful, fairy-tale ending. Building a wall

around yourself takes away your unique authenticity, as well as your

ability to connect with others. Trust me, there are women and men out

there who need to hear our stories. To know that there are others

who make mistakes. To understand that they are not alone...that no one

really does have it all together, and that sometimes we all feel a little a lot lost and unsure.

6.) Don't forget to name yourself. And appropriately. You are not a

screw-up. Or a failure. Even if you screwed up, and failed. You know

better than anyone else what label fits you best.

Maybe it is STRONG.

Or courageous.

Or artistic.

Or sympathetic.

Or caring.

Or free-spirited.

Probably, it is all of these and more. But there is one name that means more than any other, and you have it.

Yes, you. 

You, my friend, are a Daughter of God.