The Fog

"The Fog" is something that I experience every time one of my kids gets sick.

It is a cycle of motions and emotions I repeatedly go through, for whatever reason. Mostly because I have a deep desire to fix that which is wrong, know what lies ahead, and solve the problem at hand.

Simple colds and tummy bugs usually cause a certain level of stress and exhaustion, which is normal for most Mommies. Along with the normal feelings of helplessness, I typically go into a "foglike" state. It is almost as if life itself has stopped and will not resume again until I know that the family is healthy and feeling better. I do not look at the calendar or think about what we will do as a family on the weekend. I live in very short increments of time and only focus on the one task in front of me. It can be exhausting, especially because I have a tendency of forgetting to eat, or will lie awake for hours at night struggling with fear.

Worse than just "The Fog" is "THE Fog". THE Fog is darker and much harder to go through, and thankfully, I've only done it once. 

Four years ago Bria had brain surgery. We knew exactly 3 weeks ahead of time that she'd have surgery on the part of her brain that connects her brain and spinal cord together. I realize that no part of the brain is a "happy" place to have an operation, but for me, this place in particular, induces near terror in my heart. This precious part of her body, filled with nerves and intricate, delicate functions that give her body life.

To me, Bria embodies so many of those words. 

Precious. 

Delicate. 

Intricate.

I don't really have any words for those weeks before her surgery when she was only 3 years old. Scary doesn't really cover it. Hard doesn't fit either. There was even a peace from God that is too difficult to explain, since it came to us in our hardest hour.

Yesterday we received the news that I had really, really hoped not to hear. 

The Pediatric Neurosurgeon, who is a wonderful man of God and a blessing to our family, told us that he does not think Bria's brain is responding the way he had hoped it would. We have 2 weeks until she gets the MRI that will let us know what the he would like to do.

Obviously we hope for good news, and we know God is blessing us and holding us through each second, minute, hour, and day until we get the news. 

Obviously I hope that she will not need another surgery on her brain.

Obviously I am telling God, every 5 minutes or so, that this is what I WANT. NEED. 

More than anything.

I am reminded of Jacob, wrestling with God.

In order to be blessed by God, Jacob had to give a part of himself up, become changed. And it hurt him; he limped for the rest of his life.

I am carrying a fear in the pit of my stomach, in the depths of my soul. 

Not a fear of the surgery itself, but of the possible consequences. If it were up to me, she would never need surgery, never teeter on the brink of life and death, never walk the invisible rope that divides us from this world and eternity.

I am literally wrestling with God. Every. Single. Moment.

I fear. 

I pray for a release of fear.

I feel peace.

I doubt.

I question.

I pray again. 

I beg for peace.

And wisdom.

I fear again.

Pray again.

And again.

And again, again, again.

I can't seem to keep myself from fear for very long, because it is a part of me that I feel like I need. If I can fear hard enough, I can strengthen myself for the possible future. Perhaps I'll stumble upon an answer. Maybe I'll become the best version of me ever.....at the age of 28, which would be totally awesome to do so young! Worry and fear make me FEEL like I am accomplishing something, but God assures me that I am not.

So I wrestle with Him. He tries to get me to give it up, I take it back. He tells me He has a plan, I question Him about it. He tells me that He knows the future, I tell Him I have a better idea. I ask Him questions so deep, so personal, so painful that I cannot even write them down here, or speak them aloud. 

It is a heavy time, and yet a blessed time. It is painful for me to be bent, twisted, molded out of my current shape into a new form. I never feel far away from God, for I continually reach out to Him and wrestle some more. 

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I sing.

Sometimes I forget to eat. 

I lie awake in the dark with thoughts so deep that I have no words to express them.

Most of the time I do my usual stuff, with more of a blank stare than usual.

All of the times I am with God.

That is all I can really see right now though.

Just God.

I am in THE Fog.

I cannot see the lesson He has for me.

I cannot see the future He has for my Bria, my little-world-little-everything-to-me-girl.

I cannot see how I will have grown or changed after this internal battle is done raging inside my soul.

It is something like a freefall. Terrifying, huge, unknown.

And nothing at all like a freefall, because Jesus is holding me tightly, and I can FEEL it.

Huge. Known. Everything and Eternal. All at once.

I am so, so very exhausted and completely warped out of all normalcy whatsoever. 

Thank goodness that Jesus is. Just is.

Because whatever I am, its not enough.

Fear

It creeps into my days. 

It turns my thoughts from the moment.

It makes me bite my lips, or get a headache, or tummy ache.

Fear about the future.

Or the unknown.

Or the nameless, yet-to-be illnesses that might strike my family.

Fear about my children.

Their physical well-being.

Their mental happiness.

Their passage to adulthood.

My fear is my constant struggle, my downfall.

It robs me of the joys of today.

It takes away my opportunity to praise God.

To thank Him.

But most of all, it takes away my chance to TRUST Him.

To free-fall into the day.

Just KNOWING that He has a plan.

A Mighty-Good-Awesome-Amazing-Refreshing-Challenging Plan.

So far, letting go of my fear has been more pain than pleasure.

It stinks.

It is my crutch, my excuse, my well-thought out reasoning.

It builds my lists, my plans, my midnight musings.

In an odd way, it makes me feel some sort of security.

As if worrying, planning out the possible future disaster prepares me in some way.

As if, maybe, just maybe, thinking about it first will lessen the blow.

Or remove the possibility altogether.

Of course, I know better than this.

There is only one thing that will ever get me through the hard times.

Or give me strength when mine has failed.

Or bring me peace when I have none.

God.

He is IT.

He is ALL.

He is better than my fear, my worry.

So I am going to start today, and hopefully many days after this, with Him.

Letting my fears go. 

Feeling like I am going to fall into a deep abyss of.... nothing.....

Not knowing.

Not always understanding.

And trying, always, to be ok with that.

 

Homeschool Top Ten!

This blog post is for an ah-may-zing woman by the name of Jill, who recently told me that she plans to homeschool next year. This gets me GIDDY for several reasons. One simply has to do with the fact that it is nice to have company. I don't have many friends who ride the Homeschoolin' Wagon. YET. 

The main reason though, is that I can just FEEL how wonderfully blessed she and her little girls will be. Jill has the kindest, sweetest disposition EVER. She is overflowing with creativity, loves her daughters to the moon and back, and I'm pretty sure she never even yells. When I imagine school at her house I can see lots of crafts, hear little giggles, and smell yummy, home-baked goodies. Her girls are going to have the best time learning to be courageous, kind, smart, Godly women, and our world needs as many of those as we can get. 

She asked me to pass on some tips, so I started thinking of the things that have helped me the most on this 3-year journey I have been on. I'd like to call myself a Veteran, but since I only teach one child, I'm not sure I qualify to have that description. But, most Mommies will totally understand when I say that, while the years go by so quickly, the days last FOREVER. So I feel like a Veteran!

Without further ado, here is my Top Ten:

(Yes, I noticed that most of these have nothing to do with actual school. Apparently homeschooling is more of a journey than an actual task.) ;)

1. Start every day with a prayer. You never know what will happen, or what you will need to get through the day. Thankfully, God DOES know, and He's got you covered. Some of our best at-home days were started with a prayer that went a little like this: "Lord, please help me. And thank you. Amen"

2. Take it one day at a time. You can never tell where your kidlets will be from one year to the next. We'd like Bria to mainstream into school around 9th grade, but she loves homeschool, so who knows, maybe it will last all the way through high school. Some families do it for one year only. What matters is that you are doing what works for your family. Trying to plan that far into the future is ridiculous when you are talking about these little growing, ever-changing human beings, so plan to be in the here-and-now, and let tomorrow reveal itself when it comes around.

3. Treat yourself with the same kindness as you do your friends. This little gem came from my mom years ago. I have a tendency to be horribly perfectionistic hard on myself. Remind yourself that you are human, and that teachers in the classroom are not perfect either, and that is ok. Nothing wrong with our children learning that mistakes do not define who we are.

4. Look at your kids as individuals, not extensions of yourself. (Still working daily hourly on this one.) Bria may not like reading, and her handwriting may not be very neat, and she may daydream more than study, but that does not mean I am a bad Mom/ teacher/ role-model. She is who she is. She makes her own choices. NO-ONE is perfect at everything, and my kid is no different. She is allowed to have her very own sets of strengths and weaknesses, and as her Momma, I am allowed to let her have responsibility for being herself.

5. Have a rainy-day friend. There will come a day when you cry on the phone to your mom/ sister/ best friend. You will question your choice to homeschool. You will wonder if you are ruining your kids. You will envy moms who drop their kids off at school and get several hours to shop/ clean/ cook/ whatever alone. You will hear words/ phrases coming out of your mouth that you never dreamed you might say. You need a friend who will understand that bad days come to us all, and, even though you question yourself on this day, you still know deep in your heart that you are making the right choice for your family.

6. Have a support system. Since we do an online academy, this was built-in for us. Bria has a teacher that I can keep in touch with, and she even takes her tests in person with her teacher 2 times a year. Another homeschoolin' Momma I know, the lovely Jen, kept in touch with the local Principal. Being able to reach out to someone who knows, (curriculum, statewide tests, age-appropriate behavior) will help you on those days that you question your child's reading level or math comprehension.

7. Don't forget to look at the little children in front of you. Yes, watching your child read their first story to you can bring tears to your eyes. So can the hours and hours of listening to them stumble over the word "the". (And not the good kind of tears.-True story by the way.) We take for granted how easy it is for us to read the word "the" because we have been for years. No doubt we made some poor teacher tear her hair out while our young brains struggled over and over with something new. Patience, patience, and more patience. 

8. Make a list of goals for yourself, and review it every now and then. We want Bria to have a great relationship with God, and so I try to never forget to incorporate prayer into our everyday lives. Our kids will grow into adults before we know it, and being intellectual is only one aspect of their personalities. Don't lose sight of the generosity/ humbleness/ Godliness/ strength that you want to instill in your kids. A Homeschoolin'  Momma has a beautiful opportunity to shape whatever she wants into her kidlets. Ha. (Well, it is a good thought.) Anyway, we will never get such a good opportunity to TRY and instill all those awesome traits into our kids. Luckily God has a plan, and those kids already come with some awesomeness all their own.

9. Don't miss out on the little moments. Having a long list of lessons to start each day makes this so hard. Don't look at yourself as a teacher and nothing more. There are still lots of times during the day where you won't want to miss the silly giggles, tiny hands, and "kid moments". They are so special, and they happen whether our kids are taught by us or someone else. Let those moments play out, even if you have to put off Math for a few minutes. Math memories will eventually fade into nothingness, but a child "training" the dog to nod and belly-laughing with you will be a blessed memory to hang onto.

10. Trust yourself. Let insensitive/ ignorant comments roll off your back. YOU are your kids' Mom. YOU know what works for your family. God gave you the wisdom, strength, and talents to do this, even though you don't always feel wise, strong, or talented. Follow the path that God puts before you. You won't have perfect days, or perfect happiness, or a perfect house, or perfect kids. 

However, you WILL be perfectly blessed.

Oh, PS- Buy lots and lots of pencils. They like to disappear with the socks!

Kids' Room Re-Do!

This is a little ridiculous that I'm posting this now, when it is months after I finished this project, but as a Homeschoolin' Momma I find it hard to go to the bathroom alone, much less actually sit at the computer for a few minutes of peace. I think I'll mostly just post pictures and a few explanations about this subject, because I actually can't remember much about the process don't have the time. ;)

Damek has shared a room with Luke and I his whole life, for several reasons. The main one involves his poor sleep habits, which have been (hopefully) pinned down to rapid-growth-which-causes-growing-pains-and-very-tight-muscle-cramping. We just call it the Jimmy-Legs. Whatever it is called, it causes him to wake up between 3 and 10 times a night, depending on growth spurts. (The guy is still in the 95% percentile for height and weight...he is one big Bubba.)

So, putting him in a room with Bria was just not an option. Even though she sleeps like the dead and probably wouldn't wake up when he cried, I did not fancy the idea of strolling through the house so many times a night.

Now that Damek is on a special leg regime, which includes trip to the chiropractor and a boost of magnesium and iron in his diet, he is beginning to love sleep in a way that we'd never dreamed of him doing. It was time to move him into the "kids'" room with his big sissy.

The room was pretty girly.

Also, my husband decided he wanted to build beds for the kids, so most of the money that I could spend on new decorations was taken up by that. I literally ended up with 20 dollars and a prayer. (This might sound sad, but there is nothing I LOVE more than a big challenge like this. I was in Heaven!)

So while my husband bought the wood, made a few mistakes, took some back, got different wood, called from the parking lot of Home Depot asking if we'd better not just buy beds online, measured once, cut once, cut wrong, got more wood, measured twice, cut once, got it right, and got to work.......I had to use my creativity to turn all this "old" stuff into "new", cute for a-boy-and-a-girl decor!

I started with a trip to Hobby Lobby to get fabric for 2 new quilts. Thank goodness for their coupons! I got 8 kinds of fabric for each quilt, 1/2 yard each, in different themes that fit their unique little personalities. I thought about doing lots of tiny little squares or a fancy design, but I wised up and admitted that there was no way on this Earth I'd have enough time. Plus, the pictures on the fabric were easier to see when the squares were big. So, I got to sewing!

I had lots and lots of paint, and I was so excited to use it to change up some of Bria's sweet little white furniture. I decided the whole room would just have lots of color, rather than a specific color theme. A few things, like the dresser and rocking chair, got a pop of color. Just a little bit went a long way, and it looked so cute!

 Then I cut apart Bria's hot pink lamp shade, and recovered the metal frame with tiny scraps of fabric. (I always KNEW those scraps would come in handy!) I love, love, love the end result. It gets tons of compliments!

                                                                                 

I found a wall sticker that I just ADORED, of a cute tree that had a few sweet, brightly colored birds living in it. Too bad it was 40 dollars. Oh well, I got out an empty canvas from my Bob Ross Painting Kit that I despair of ever being able to use, and re-created the image from the computer. The little birdies helped to tie in some color from Damek's beloved Owlies.

 I also slapped a light coat of paint onto an old birdhouse that was given to Bria by a neighbor. I wanted it to look weathered, so it was pretty simple to not pay too much attention to detail. Voila! Old-looking! 

Then I painted a piece of wood with the words, "You are my sun shine". I also wanted this to look old, but had never tried antiquing anything. It was lots of fun. After getting the words right, I took a hammer to it, sanded it, and slammed it onto a concrete step a few times. Then all it needed was a coat of Mod Podge to make it smooth. This little sign truly sums up how I feel about my kids, and I think the color looks so great in their room.

I also covered Bria's little tea table, which had flowers on top, with some waterproof red fabric that my mom got for me. It was my first time to use a staple gun, and I was hooked! Adding some paint to a few old picture frames and the kids' names, (wooden letters that they already had, but with the more primary colors painted on), and some pennant flags out of scrapbook paper gave the walls a new look.

 (Yes, after I took this picture I DID fix the crooked "R". It is just right now!)

Now we added white paint onto both beds. The toybox also got a new coat of bright red paint, thanks to a borrowed can of paint. :) Thanks to some Birthday money and a trip to IKEA, I was able to get Damek a bug wall lamp to match Bria's flower lamp, and an adorable floor rug with a little town on it. Add the new quilts to the mix and you've got a whole new room!

 (An added note: the bins in the bookshelf were give to me before Damek was born. Since they were pretty masculine, I added some red, yellow, and green dots to the blue-spotted ones. Not very easy to see in this picture, but it was a simple way to recycle those so they'd fit both kids. Now I just need to figure out how to get them to put the right toys in the right bins.)

 

 We all love the way it turned out, and I completely enjoyed my "Summer Challenge".

Time Travel

Ever notice how time does strange things sometimes?

Seems to me like the days blend into weeks, and weeks into months, and always always always there is laundry, sweeping, schoolwork, tidy-up-the-mess, play-outside, and then laundry again, sweeping again....well, you get the idea.

Being a mother of small children seems to go on FOREVER! (...and not forever, as you know all too well.)

Every day, while new in its own special way, seems so much like every day before it.

Until.....Bam.

Something new.

Something different.

Something BIG.

And you step back, smile, shed a few tears, and realize that childhood is not really forever after all. 

And those darn cute-stinky-messy-busy-crazy-loud-tearful-wiggly-bouncy-giggly-tousled up kids are going to throw a kink in the works because they are going to GROW UP somehow.

And I can't figure out if that hurts or feels good.

A little of both I guess.

Today I finished Damek's new quilt, which had lots of squares that were special to him in some way. Cars. Owls. Dinosaurs. Fishies. Footballs. Soccerballs. Puppies.

I took him in this morning and we sat on the bed. He pointed to different squares and named off the ones that he noticed and loved. He knew it was a special quilt just for HIM. It felt so good to watch him tangibly touch each piece and really feel the specialness of himself.

And then, this afternoon came. I cuddled him, played his music, started the fan. Then I snuggled him down, with his Mr. Owley, in his new bed.

Afterwards, I walked back to our room and looked into the empty crib. I looked for that baby for a minute, even though I knew he wasn't really gone.

But in a way, the baby really was gone.

And that made me cry.

Why/ How I Became a Homeschoolin' Momma

In our small town, homeschooling is not very common. In fact, it is almost nonexistant. We have a great, tight-knit community and a wonderful school district with two great schools. (Incidentally, both of them are just mere blocks away from our home. The Jr./ Sr. High where my husband teaches is right outside our front door.)

From the time my daughter was in Kindergarten I've gotten so many questions about homeschooling. There can be lots of curiosity, doubt, misunderstanding. In our current age of public schooling, why would anyone want or need to keep their kiddo at home? 

Good question. I have an answer for OUR family, but I know for a fact that it is not the same for every homeschooling pod, so there is no one "right" answer or choice. 

However, I know that I was placed on a path in life. I cannot always see the bends in the road, or plan for the pitfalls that await me. I do know that my Maker is with me, and He guides me along. Should I chose to listen to Him, I will find wisdom, peace that requires no understanding, and most importantly, love. I know what is at the end of my road even if I do not know how my travels will go in-between.

One of my biggest lessons learned in my homeschooling journey thus far is: God has created me to be ME! My unique talents, abilities, and even weaknesses are all a part of who I am, who I am becoming each day. I feel so free knowing that I can follow God's voice and He will show me exactly how to seek and find the woman He wants me to work on becoming!

So, when I talk about homeschooling, and sound giddy, or excited, that seems strange to some people. Some might think that I am about to tell them that EVERYONE should homeschool. They might worry that I'm a religious nut who has such a consuming fear of the world and it's ability to warp her children that she will not allow them outside of our home. Or that I'm such a know-it-all that I assume I can teach my child better than any well-educated teacher out there.

Not so.

Below I've listed some of the many questions I've received about homeschooling, and I'll answer them to the best of my ability, so that you might be able to catch a glimpse into our lives and see that a homeschoolin' Momma is not really an alien. Better yet, she is probably just like you. :)

"Why would you homeschool when your husband is a teacher?" (#1 most common question).

My husband's profession has very little to do with it. It is more about our child than her Dad's career, although he does give an insight into the school system that some don't get to see. (For example, the more strict rules about God in schools.)

"Aren't you hindering her social development?"

Not if we have anything to say about it. She is involved in lots of extracurricular activities. She has great friends. She has a best friend. She can share, problem-solve, she has manners, a kind heart, empathy. In fact, all of those attributes that she uses outside of the home, she learned inside of the home.

"Does she have some sort of learning disability?" "Is she academically gifted?"

No, and no. She was ready for school about a year earlier than most, but she has never shown signs of being the next Albert Einstein. (As many of our wonderful, well-beloved children never do!) She likes math, is good at science, has a creative mind, and struggles with reading. Typical of most 7 year olds.

"Are you just afraid of letting her out of the house?"

Depends on how you mean. Will I let her run into the street? Nope. Will I let her watch R rated movies? Nope. Does she go to sleepovers? Yep. Do I let her swim/ ride horses/ climb trees/ go to Birthday parties? You bet! Homeschooling, for us, does not have anything to do with shielding our child from the world, although we DO have limits and try to give her an innocent childhood.

"Are you just Bible-thumpers who are never going to let your child see what the "real world" is like?" (Paraphrased).

We are Christians. We pray at mealtimes, read our Bibles to our kids, go to Church, and try our best to live life as God asks us to. We do feel saddened that God has been left out of schools, and that things would be different if prayer/ Godly behavior and expectations were a guideline in schools. BUT, our God is BIGGER than any rule or regulation, so we know that He is still there, in the schools, every day. 

As homeschooling parents, we do enjoy the freedom of talking about God, anytime, anywhere, during any lesson. Who wouldn't love to talk about His magnificent creation when learning about how a cloud forms?

"How did you decide to become a homeschoolin' Momma?"

It just sort of happened. Our daughter struggled with certain aspects of public preschool. We wanted to do the best thing for her, as most parents do. Turns out, this was it. God pointed out the way, we followed, and here we are! Our daughter thrives, so we are content/ blessed/ amazed/ thankful.

"Are you worried that she won't be as "smart" as public schooled kids?"

Thankfully, no. I am NOT a certified teacher in any way. But, we found an online school that follows and conforms to all the state regulations and standards, so we know she is getting the same education as the other kidlets in our town, albeit a different one....if you see what I mean. ;)

"Do you think everyone should be afraid of public schools or keep their kids home?"

Of course not. Every parent-child combo is different. I can't tell you how to raise your child any more than you should tell me how to raise mine. They are all unique, strange, crazy little buggars with no instruction manuals anywhere on their wiggly bodies, so I say, "Find a method that works and GO WITH IT."

"Don't you need TONS of patience to homeschool?"

Well, I sure do work on it every day! Just because I love it does not mean I never have bad days. The bad might even equal outnumber the good most days. But when something is right, its right. No matter how hard. No matter the personal struggles and sacrifices. It is STILL RIGHT. (And yes, I CAN be patient, when I want to. And no, I'm NOT always patient, even though I can be. Just try to imagine the way you'd act around your pastor, and the way you act around your kids. See what I mean? It CAN be done, even if it is NOT always done.) ;)

*Side note* This question is my favorite, so I saved it for the end. Not that it is the funniest, or strangest, but because I think it has so much to do with some of the bigger issues going on inside our schools these days. It hits at our deepest fears as Mothers, gives us sleepless nights, and awakens what many of us know as the "Mama Bear". (Ever met her? I have. Boy oh boy. Have. I. Ever.)

"How will your child learn to deal with conflict later on in life if s/he never deals with a bully?"

Well, I suppose if life's difficult experiences were best approached with practice, then maybe my kids would be missing out on something crucial by never being bullied. However, I just don't think that applies, and here is why.

~Take childbirth. Sure, it is an intense, (many will say painful) experience. It is inevitable for most women. Did I have to go through pain, fear, and discomfort as a "practice" before I went through pain, fear, and discomfort later on in life? No. But how did I know how to deal with it? How did I know not to shoot myself/ others, or lock myself away and refuse help? 

Because I was raised with the coping mechanisms I'd need for many aspects of life.

My trust in God.

My faith in myself.

My appreciation for life: my own, others' lives.

All these, and more, are things that we strive to teach our children. One day, in the workplace, or with friends, they will encounter something unpleasant. Peer pressure. Bullying. Lies. Stealing. Illegal behavior.

How will they know what to do if they've never seen it?

Because they'll KNOW.

They'll know the difference between right and wrong.

They'll know what their parents, and what their God, expects of them.

They'll know that another's actions do not determine their own reactions.

Does this mean I have utter faith in my children's abilities to always do the right thing? (Chuckle)

Of course not.

Yes, I WISH they would.

But am I crippling them for the future? Am I making it impossible for them to cope with badness/ evil in the world because I'm not exposing them to badness/ evil now? No.

(If the bullying-and-children issue has you worried, or you'd like to know more about our decisions, I encourage you to read Dr. Dobson's book, "Bringing up Girls". It had much to do with furthering our understanding of where God was leading us on this journey.)

I know that there are other questions, but I hope this covers most of them. Of course, I am always open to answering any others. I love questions!

My #1 message here is:

Raising children is hard. It is beautiful, wonderful, strange, exhilarating, fulfilling, awe-inspiring, momentous. 

But. It. Is. Hard.

We all find our own ways to bring these funny little creatures from helpless babes to competent, able-bodied, wonderful adults. (We hope).

There is no "one" way to do it! There is no right answer! 

So the time for judgement, criticism, doubt, is over. No more do we moms need to be pitted against each other and our child-rearing choices. Let us stand behind each other, hand out a pat on the back, and cheer each other on! 

Because lets face it, if we don't cheer each other on, who will?

Little bit of Heartbreak

This morning was a little bit of a hard one. Actually, it was not as bad as it could have been, because I had done some pre-greiving. (Anyone else do that?) 

I know the Bible says to let tomorrow's troubles wait until tomorrow, but sometimes I feel a little better when I feel sad about something in advance. 

So for the past week and a half, I've been giving myself a countdown. 

-The last time Daddy takes out the trash

-The last time he loads BOTH kids up and takes them to the library so I can have a minute of peace

-Last time the car gets filled with gas without my even noticing

-Last time we get to tag-team a trip to the grocery store, (and Mr. Dinner Bell so sweetly hauls carries the crazy child out to walk in the parking lot after he destroyed demolished explored the store.)

I laughed with friends about how years ago I encouraged my husband to become a teacher since it was such a nice, 9-5 kind of job. Home for dinner, home on the weekends, leave your work at work kind of job.

Ha. Yes, those of you out there who teach, coach, or are married to teachers probably feel sorry for me right now. I've felt sorry enough for myself, and happily, I've learned to not only cope with the crazy life that a wife of a teacher/ coach/ award-winning educator has, but I thrive, enjoy most of it, and survive very well.

BUT, that does not make the transition from Summertime to Schooltime any easier. The transition is actually quite huge and covers everything from schedules, duties, and most importantly, the children. Even though the Miss understands, she still struggles for weeks. This is Damek's first "official" transition, since he was too little last year to get it, and I'm not sure how he will feel about it. I know he will miss his wrestling buddy dearly, and he won't have the words to tell me that he is hurting.

I told the Mr. over and over that I would not cry in front of him when he left. I made a big deal about how strong I was and how he would know what a capable woman he was leaving at home to raise his kids and make a home for him to come back to.

Ha. Again. Last night came way too soon, and I was up half the night with a tummy upset with stress, or worry, or more likely the bad for me yummy food I had eaten at the Girl's Night recently. Either way, I was up on the couch until midnight, and I was no longer thinking about all the chores and duties that I was going to have to do alone and how hard it would be for me to be kind/ patient/ peaceful/ calm/ loving in the face of struggle.

Nope. 

I had a new list running through my mind.

-The Mr. popping his head into an open window, (while doing yardwork) to scare me/ make me laugh

-Making forts for the kids in a room that I had just cleaned

-Helping me make a delicious dinner out of nothing 

-Little bike rides and trips to the pond to let the kids ramble around and look at everything and nothing in particular at all

-Chasing me through the house

-Climbing back into bed as I was in the middle of making it

-Planning our future "Hobbit" house together

-Hours and hours at the pool with the kids, acting like a kid himself and making me laugh at his antics

I crawled back into bed, sore in the tummy and very sore at heart. I woke him up to cry, (yes indeed), and tell him that he was my best friend, and everywhere I went for the next month I'd be expecting him right around the corner, or in the window. I'd be waiting for him to make us all laugh, or start wrestle fights, or suggest trips to the Hardware store every other day, but he would be gone.

His time and efforts now belong to a much larger group of people, and they often will for the next 9 months. I can't wait to see him become a pumped-up coach, and surprise us all with his great teaching ideas, and even help him grade mountains of papers on the weekend.

But still.

I will miss this....

And this.....

And this....

And yes, even this....

Thank you God for bringing such a hard working, giving, selfless, loving, funny, wrestling man into our lives.

We know that You have led him to teach and lead others, so we willingly and even happily give up our time with him so that he can reach others.

But we sure do miss him.